


Darkest World, Blackest Night

by MoonlightBreeze



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 5 Times, 5+1 Things, Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland Friendship, Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood Feels, Alec Lightwood Has Self-Worth Issues, Alec Lightwood Loves Magnus Bane, Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Alec Lightwood-centric, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, BAMF Maia Roberts, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s01e05 Moo Shu To Go, Episode: s02e05 Dust and Shadows, Episode: s03e17 Heavenly Fire, Family Feels, Gen, Good Parabatai Jace Wayland, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecure Alec Lightwood, M/M, Mentioned Suicide Attempt, Parabatai Feels, Self-Harm, Self-Harming Alec Lightwood, Suicidal Alec Lightwood, Suicidal Thoughts, Tags Are Hard, Understanding Magnus Bane, but there is a happy ending, just a warning this can get pretty sad at some parts, no beta we die like men, okay let's move on to the serious tags, that last one is just a little bit, that last one is only at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:55:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23886325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonlightBreeze/pseuds/MoonlightBreeze
Summary: 5 times Alec wants to die and one time he wants to live.Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts and canon-typical self harm. This can get a bit intense at times, so please be sure to keep yourselves safe! <3
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Isabelle Lightwood, Alec Lightwood & Isabelle Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Clary Fray & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 43
Kudos: 283
Collections: Fluff vs. Angst Battle 2020





	Darkest World, Blackest Night

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Темный мир, темнейшая ночь](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25874371) by [Ksencha](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ksencha/pseuds/Ksencha)



> Hey, guys! I'm actually proud of this fic (it's a miracle, I know) so I really hope you like it. I also just want to apologise now for the +1. I am _terrible_ at writing fight scenes and villainous characters. I know it isn't very good. Please bear with me. This is my very first 5+1, so I'm sure it's a little rough.
> 
> I want to give a big thank-you to enkelimagnus and Aria_Lerendeair for helping me write that +1 scene. (It still sucks, but it's definitely better than it was.) Please stop by their profiles and give them some love! <3
> 
> I also want to give a shout-out to AceOnIce and Iwillseduceyouwithmyweirdness for giving me the idea to write this type of story in a 5+1 format. They both have stories of a similar fashion, which I will link below. They're amazing authors!
> 
> There is a trigger warning for this fic: it contains suicidal thoughts and self harm in the form of excessive exercise/training without care. Both of those things are very prevalent in this story and this story can get very sad/intense at some points, so please be sure to take care of yourselves and stay safe. <3
> 
> Also, my italics abuse is terrible in this one. You've been warned.
> 
> With that, let's bring this way-too-long author's note to a close! I really hope you enjoy this fic! Kudos make my day and comments validate my existence, so please feel free to leave those, if you want :) And as always, I hope you have a wonderful day/night!
> 
> ~ Em
> 
> AceOnIce's story: [Reasons To Stay](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23521210)
> 
> Iwillseduceyouwithmyweirdness's story: [I Always Wanna Die(Sometimes)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19977268)
> 
>  **EDIT:** This work has now been translated into Russian! You can read the translation [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25874371)

~ **1** ~

It was three in the morning. Rain lashed against the windowpanes and thunder roared outside. The cold, blank walls of the New York Institute were the opposite of soundproof; they seemed to amplify every harsh beat of the storm playing its tempestuous song outside. 

Alec Lightwood laid on his bed, facing the ceiling. He didn’t move. He didn’t speak. His jaw was locked in a straight line. He clenched his hands so tightly together that his nails dug bloody half-moon crescents into his skin. Outwardly, he didn’t appear to be struggling. No one who knew Alec would be shocked to see him without a smile on his face, and the harsh marks on his palms were expertly hidden. However, behind his ice-blue eyes, a storm far worse than the gale outside raged. 

Alec’s mind was filled with poison. He felt like he was trapped in darkness without a light to be found anywhere. No matter what he did, he couldn’t get the incessant thoughts out of his mind. They clawed at him nonstop, their talons dipped in venom so powerful that it brought him to his knees on some nights.

 _Worthless_.

 _Not good enough_.

 _Useless_.

 _Different_.

 _Strange_.

 _Freak_.

 **Freak**!

Alec let a breath of air puff past his lips, the only sign of the chaos running rampant in his mind. His skin itched for a blade, or one of his arrows, or a punching bag. He wanted to _hurt_. By the Angel, he wanted to hurt. 

He wondered what he was doing with himself, really. Who was he, really? He was a Shadowhunter, of course; that much he knew. He was also a gay man. In his mind, those two balanced each other out. A gay Shadowhunter was about as good as a dead Shadowhunter to the Clave. He was a big brother. Yet, despite all of his best efforts, Izzy and Jace still managed to get hurt on some of their missions. Jace could still be found in his room in the dead of the night thrashing from a nightmare, whimpering and reciting, “To love is to destroy; to be loved is to be the one destroyed,” over and over again. Izzy still shrank back from her mother and kept her head down and eyes trained on the floor when Maryse portaled home from Idris to reprimand Alec for something. 

In Alec’s twisted, broken view of himself, his role as a big brother was overshadowed by the failures he’d made in being such. 

Alec pitched forward and raked his hands through his hair, leaving bloody smears in the inky black locks. He could feel something on the edge of his consciousness, something huge that threatened to rip apart everything he thought he stood for and more. He lowered his head into his hands and let it wash over him. 

The realisation hit Alec like a brick to the face. He wanted to hurt, yes. He was about two minutes away from making an impromptu trip to the training room. But more than that, Alec didn’t want to be alive anymore. He was _done_. Done with the world, done with Shadowhunting, done with his fucking parents and their impossible expectations, done with not being good enough. 

Alec wanted to die.

The sure, undeniable statement brought with it chills that raced throughout his entire body. Goosebumps exploded over his arms and tears pricked the back of his eyelids. As a child, he’d promised himself that he would die in a blaze of glory, from valiantly taking on a horde of demons or throwing himself in front of someone else. He would die revered. He would die a _hero_. 

This? This was a coward’s death, and he knew it. 

Yet, Alec couldn’t bring himself to want it any less. 

“Alec?” A small, soft voice accompanied by three knocks on his bedroom door pulled Alec from his racing thoughts.

It was Izzy. 

Alec moved to open his door, hiding his hands behind his back. “What is it, Iz?”

She bit her lip and looked down at the floor. “Can I sleep in here? The storm is scary.”

Alec felt warmth flood his chest. The thoughts from before retreated to a dark corner of his mind in favour of affection for his little sister. “Of course. Come on, get in here.” Izzy smiled gratefully and wrapped her arms around his legs as tight as she could.

“Thanks, bubba.”

Alec reached down and picked her up, carrying her over to his king-sized bed and tucking her in like the princess she was and would always be. She was so _innocent_. Alec knew that protecting her would always come first for him, no matter what. He still felt the itch, the burning beneath his skin that wanted for something to hurt. But his sister was in his bed, her big doe eyes looking up at him with such _love_ that he knew there was nowhere else on the earth he’d rather be. 

Izzy tugged on his wrist impatiently. “Come on!” She gestured to the other side of the bed, and Alec chuckled. He got in himself, throwing an arm around his little sister, who snuggled into his side and let out a happy sigh. 

Alec placed a soft kiss on her forehead and closed his eyes. 

Izzy’s warmth made him feel a little bit less ice-cold, and he thought to himself that maybe there was a chance he was doing just enough. 

~ **2** ~

It was a dark, starless night. Black clouds had slid over the silver-grey face of the moon, obscuring it from view. The only light that permeated the seemingly endless darkness was the artificial glow of the cell tower across the street.

Alec reached into his quiver for what was certainly not the first time that night and nocked another arrow, letting it fly straight and true into the target 500 feet away. Blood dripped from his hands onto the roof of the Institute, but he ignored it. Another release brought another raw, painful line from his bow string, and Alec could almost sigh with the relief it brought. 

Another mission had gone wrong. Another _unsanctioned_ mission, to be exact. His parents had portaled from Idris and immediately locked themselves and Alec into the Head of the Institute’s office. The lecture had been unbearable. 

“ _You are bringing shame upon this family, Alexander_!”

“ _This latest endeavor of yours was foolish and irresponsible. I can’t believe you._ ”

“ _Your father and I are so disappointed in you, Alexander_.”

“ _You’re supposed to be better than this_! _How dare you do something so stupid_?!”

“ _Your siblings are hurt because of your incompetence_.”

Their scathing words cut into his bleeding heart, and Alec tightened his grip on his bow and released another arrow with so much blinding rage that he was shocked it actually hit its target. His mother was right, of course. Jace and Izzy were in the infirmary because of his failure. He should have _known_ there would be more than one demon. They traveled in packs, for fuck’s sake! And still he had blundered on into this unsanctioned mission and led his siblings straight into what was very nearly a massacre. 

A jolt of pain made Alec double over, grimacing. He clutched his side and felt the thick, bulky bandage that was wrapped around his ribcage, concealed by his t-shirt. Technically speaking, he should be in the infirmary, as well. But he knew he didn’t deserve to be; not after what he’d caused. He’d snuck out as soon as Izzy and Jace fell asleep. 

A small pool of blood darkened the ground near Alec’s feet. He took it in lazily, unconcerned. The weeping slivers of his palms dripped red steadily onto the stone. Alec lowered his bow and approached the edge of the roof, peering out at the street below. Yellow-orange lights from cars raced by, and various murmurs of city life floated up to the Institute’s roof, mingling with the seemingly deafening pound of Alec’s traitorous heart. 

Alec imagined the wind in his face, the weightless sensation of falling, the idea of finally giving up control. _Freedom_. 

He could almost taste it. 

A bright, colourful image of Izzy filled Alec’s mind’s eye, followed quickly by an image of Jace. They were both happy; smiling and laughing, the corners of their eyes crinkling with joy.

Alec felt a pang of love surge up in his heart, and he groaned. He could see it easily; flinging himself off of that ledge, hurling himself to the cold, unforgiving street below. Yet, there was something holding him back. Actually, two somethings that had enough brightness in them to light up any room and called him ‘big brother’ with too much adoration and fondness.

Tears filled Alec’s eyes, and he blinked them away angrily. If he was ever going to lean a little too far over the edge, it would _not_ be under the grueling weight of indecision.

Alec looked up to the sky, hoping the dark, toneless clouds might give him a clue as to what he was supposed to do. He just needed a sign; anything to steer him in the right direction. 

As he gazed into the night sky, the black clouds began to part and, slowly but surely, a single star was revealed. It was Sirius, the brightest star in the sky. A shadow of a smile flitted across Alec’s face, and he kissed the tantalizing invitation of freedom goodbye for another night. 

With one final glance at the star, Alec shouldered his bow and headed inside. 

~ **3** ~

The bright, fluorescent lighting of his bedroom hurt Alec’s eyes. His head was pounding, and he felt impossibly cold all over in a way that had nothing to do with temperature. It wasn’t the first time he’d heard those poisonous words, of course; he was Alec Lightwood, and there were certain _pressures_ that came with the name. This was, however, the first time that he had ever heard them hurled at him in his parabatai’s voice.

“ _Maybe your mother was right and your best just isn’t good enough_!”

Alec closed his eyes, trying to block out the words that seemed to be imprinted on his mind. He and Jace had been at odds for a while, thanks to the damn redhead that had come along and messed everything up, but this was crossing a line Alec had once trusted him to never cross. 

He was right.

The truth of Jace’s statement hurt more than the words themselves. Jace was _right_. He was the one who had failed. He had let Clary and Simon get taken by the Circle members. It was his failure, his mistake, his cross to bear. Alec let a small sigh escape. It seemed like he had far too many crosses to bear for only eighteen short years of life. 

Alec was practically vibrating with emotion; he couldn’t sit still, no matter how hard he tried. He paced around the small space of his bedroom. Despite the lighting, darkness seemed to fold in on him from all sides. What was he _doing_? If he wasn’t good enough even for his siblings, for his _parabatai_ , if he couldn’t manage to do anything right, then what the _hell_ was he doing here? Did he have _any_ purpose? If he did nothing but fuck up, then what the hell was the point?!

Alec whirled around and smashed his fist into the concrete wall of his bedroom. Immediately, excruciating pain shot through his hand. He groaned and dropped to his knees beside the fist-shaped indentation in the wall. He felt the energy bleeding out of him. He felt drained. He felt defeated.

Alec gazed down at his damaged hand. Bits of concrete clung to his misshapen fingers. The pain seemed to wrap itself around him, practically thrumming through his veins with every breath he took. It calmed him, centered him; it brought with it relief so undeniable that it made Alec’s chest ache. 

A timid knock startled Alec from his thoughts, and he looked up at the door just in time to hear Clary’s voice. “Alec! Hey, Izzy said I should start learning how to be a proper Shadowhunter. Would you help me train?”

Alec felt his blood boil. After the day he’d had, the last thing in the world he wanted to do was help the same obnoxious redhead that had wormed her way into their lives and spun everything out of control. He stayed stubbornly silent.

An exasperated sigh came from the other side of the door, and then Clary’s voice again, slightly peeved: “Alec, I know you’re in there. Come on, open up!” A few seconds went by, and she added, “Please. You’re the best Shadowhunter here.”

“Why don’t you get Jace to train with you?” Alec called back bitterly. “I’m busy.”

“Jace wants me to train with you,” Clary insisted, and Alec felt something rise in his chest. 

“Jace said that?” he replied incredulously.

“ _Yes_ ,” Clary said. “I asked him first, and he told me I should go to you, that there was no one better.”

Alec felt a small blossom of hope unfurl in his heart. Maybe Jace hadn’t meant what he said before. Darkness still beckoned to him, and he had to fight back the urge to simply tell Clary to fuck off and leave him alone. Jace’s words still burned in the back of his mind, but the new words that Clary assured him had been said threatened to overtake them. Alec took a deep breath and let it out. If he could do nothing else right, he could at least make the redheaded girl into a halfway decent Shadowhunter.

Alec shook his head and tried to clear his thoughts. He couldn’t train with Clary like this. He needed to be on top of his game, show her what a real Shadowhunter looked like. He couldn’t afford to be off, especially if Jace really thought he was the best one to train her. 

Alec stood up and called out to Clary, “Fine.” He grabbed his stele from his desk and traced an iratze on his damaged hand. It wouldn’t heal it completely; multiple iratzes would have to be used for that. But it would push his fingers back into their proper place, thus hiding any evidence of his shortcomings to the excitable little girl outside. 

Alec’s mouth tightened into a straight line. This way, the pain would still be there while they trained, as a reminder to himself of what he had on the line if he didn’t do well enough. 

Clary knocked on the door again impatiently, and Alec hurried forward to throw it open. She took a step back in surprise and he smirked. 

“Come on,” he said to Clary, striding past her towards the training room. “We have work to do.”

~ **4** ~

Alec turned down another dark street corner, weaving his way past piles of trash and dodging rats that scurried out in his path. The tears that he had been traitorously unable to keep from falling froze on his cheeks in the cold, and his bruised, bloody hands were numb around his bow. 

He wasn’t sure where he was going, or even why he’d jumped off the roof of the Institute, other than to get away from Jace’s unwanted sympathy. Sympathy he didn’t _deserve_. 

Alec’s hands tightened around his bow and he wished desperately for a demon to appear so he would have an excuse to feel that delicious pain again. A second later, however, his stomach rolled at the thought of demons. He remembered the reason he was on that roof in the first place. 

_The demon. Jocelyn._

Alec closed his eyes and bit his lip, hard. Another rat hurried past, and Alec had an arrow nocked in a flash, releasing it to fly at the rat. He swore as the arrow missed its target, coming to rest next to a trash bin a few feet to the left instead. 

Alec couldn’t believe what he had done. He had let a demon in. He had killed Clary’s mother. He was the reason Izzy was hurt. He couldn’t save Jace from the City of Bones. He inhaled sharply. By the Angel, he’d killed _Jace’s_ mother! The guilt crashed into Alec like a freight train and he stumbled under the weight of it. 

The city of New York at night was really quite beautiful, and under any other circumstances, Alec might have been able to appreciate it. That night, however, the street lamps that usually filled him with comfort and security looked garish and were entirely too bright. The plastic Santa and the herd of lively reindeer that followed him in a shop window that might have brought a smile to Alec’s face any other night looked gaudy and fake. The world surrounding Alec was full of reminders of what he’d done; Jocelyn would never experience another Christmas, nor be able to appreciate the city at night any longer. 

Alec swore and began to run. 

Eventually, his feet carried him to the Brooklyn Bridge. He wasn’t sure how he’d ended up there, or even if he consciously thought about his destination at all, but as he stared out into the dark water below, he found he didn’t care. 

Without pausing to think about it, Alec climbed onto the ledge overlooking the stormy water and swung his feet around to the other side of the bridge, until his grip on the railing was the only thing keeping him from plunging two hundred feet down, down, down into the ice-cold water below.

Alec let out a shaky breath. He didn’t understand how Jace could even _look_ at him after what he’d done. He couldn’t even look at himself. Alec stared into the dark abyss below him. He had taken a life. Taking his own seemed, in a way, almost like poetic justice. 

Alec’s grip on the steel railing wavered, and he allowed himself to bask in the imagination of the act; of letting go, of falling, of being _free_. His bones ached with want and his mind screamed at him to do something, to make a decision, to give up and give in to his most shameful of desires. 

Alec’s hands trembled on the railing. Tears filled his cool blue eyes for the second time that night and he blinked them away angrily. He knew what was holding him back. The smiles of Jace and Izzy, burnt into his memory from happier times. The warmth of Magnus’s hand in his own, thumb caressing his skin as he stumbled over an apology to the warlock for his behaviour towards him. 

Alec shook his head, trying to dispel the thoughts. He didn’t deserve them, any of them. They were too good for him. He was selfish and a failure, never good enough; they were perfect, beautiful, amazing. He swallowed hard. His hands ached from gripping the edge of the bridge so tightly. It was too dark to see, but he was confident that his knuckles were turning white. 

He could hear the rushing of the water below, and it calmed him. The water would be ice-cold, but he had been colder than that for months. It would be a welcoming demise. 

Alec felt the grip he had on the railing begin to loosen. His numb, trembling fingers were cut and sliced by the sharp steel, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. The inky black expanse of darkness stretched out in front of him as far as the eye could see. It looked so _inviting_. 

Alec’s heart pounded with - what was that? Was it fear? No, that couldn’t be right. Alec wasn’t afraid. 

Alec wasn’t afraid to die.

Was he?

A loud buzz from his pocket startled him from his thoughts. He dug his phone out of his pocket with cold, shaky fingers to look at the text he’d received. It was from Magnus.

_M: Jace told me what happened. I’m worried about you. Come home, Alexander._

Alec felt his heart clench and all of the breath seemed to have been stolen from his body.

_Come home._

He knew Magnus most likely meant ‘home’ as in the Institute or his family. But Alec took it to mean something so much different. 

Alec took a deep breath, gazing out beyond the bridge. The darkness still called to him, but he had somewhere to be. Somewhere he _could_ be. 

With that, Alec shared one last look with the tempting, dark waters underneath the Brooklyn Bridge and began to run again. 

It was only a few short, adrenaline-pumped minutes later when Magnus found Alec, sitting on his fire escape and wearing an expression that no one, not even Alec himself, could decipher.

~ **5** ~

Alec threw another cruel punch to the black punching bag in front of him, trying to drown out the thoughts that raged in his mind. 

It was, inherently, _his_ fault that Magnus had given up his magic. He’d done it for him. For his parabatai, to spare him the pain of losing the other half of his soul. And now the crushing weight of that decision had come back to haunt them both. 

Fire burned in Alec’s veins, fueling the rage he used to beat the punching bag senseless. There hadn’t been a single moment after he learned what Magnus had done that he hadn’t blamed himself. A small, selfish part of him was almost happy that he and Magnus would be able to grow old together. That was before he saw the true extent of the damage being without his powers was causing Magnus. 

Alec couldn’t remember the last time he felt guilt this strong; even the guilt of killing Jocelyn had been nothing compared to this. Muttering bitterly to himself, he realised that this was also the first time in quite a while that he’d turned to a punching bag instead of his boyfriend. 

Magnus helped Alec. Any fool with a single working brain cell could see that. But it went beyond what any outsider could see. Magnus _understood_. He knew what it was like to feel trapped, as though pain and misery were the only ways out. Magnus had made him promise, after that fateful night on the balcony at his party, that he would come to him if it ever got ‘that bad’. 

Alec’s heart ached with how much he wanted to keep that promise, because it was definitely ‘that bad’.

But he knew he couldn’t. Magnus was battling his own demons, and Alec was _not_ going to do anything that would add more to Magnus’s plate. 

So, instead, in a desperate effort to keep himself off the roof of the Institute, Alec had made his way to the training room and sought out a punching bag. 

That was hours ago. 

Alec vibrated with nervous energy as he threw punch after punch to the bag, which arced away from him due to the force of his blows. His hands were long past recognizable, and bruises circled his wrists. Blood seeped from his knuckles and stained the bag with every strike he made. His palms were littered with little marks from his nails pressing into the skin every time he closed his fists too tight. 

Logically, he knew he should find Jace or Izzy, ask to go out on a hunt or watch a movie with them. They would help; they would give him whatever he needed. They would even sit and listen if he was willing to talk. 

However, Alec also knew that he was much too proud and much too stubborn to even entertain that idea. His siblings had never seen him at his worst. He wasn’t going to subject them to that because the pain was too much for him to handle. 

Alec rested his forehead against the punching bag, breathing hard. He was bone-tired and he felt more drained than he’d ever felt before in his entire life. The steps up to the roof were highlighted like a golden staircase in his mind, and his entire body trembled with the thought. 

Magnus didn’t need him. Hell, he was the reason that Magnus had lost everything that made him who he was. He should hate him. Jace and Izzy would be fine. Simon and Clary, as well as his other friends, would eventually come to realise that the loss of their hardass leader wasn’t such a bad thing after all. 

Alec took a deep breath, tried to remind himself of everything that Magnus had told him about these types of thoughts. 

_They aren’t true, Alexander._

He groaned and turned away, eyes stinging with an incoming onslaught of tears that he bit his lip hard enough to draw blood in order to stave off. He paced around the training room, running his hands through his hair. Blood made streaks in the black, but didn’t notice. He was too busy trying to regain control of himself. 

_Magnus needs me_ , he attempted to remind himself. 

_No, he doesn’t. You’re the reason he’s in this mess._

Alec whimpered uncharacteristically and sank down onto a bench, burying his head in his hands. He pulled at his hair, letting out a small sound of pain. When he looked up, his eyes fell on a seraph blade hanging on the wall next to him. He picked it up and studied it. A quick test with the tip of his finger proved that it was sharp. Very sharp. 

Alec shuddered. He found himself unable to put it back where it belonged. Instead, he ran his fingers along the smooth sides of it and imagined what they would feel like jammed into his skin, bleeding the life out of him. 

“Alec?” Alec jumped at the unexpected voice and looked up to see Jace standing in the doorway to the training room. His hair was messy with sleep and his shirt looked rumpled, like he’d just woken up. He wore black sweats and his eyes were filled with worry.

“What are you doing here?” Alec mumbled. 

“I woke up and felt that something was wrong,” Jace said, gesturing to the place on his hip where Alec knew his parabatai rune was. 

“Oh. I’m sorry for waking you. You can go now,” Alec said through shaky lips. His hands trembled on the seraph blade, which Jace was eyeing with worry. He clutched it tighter, not willing to let it go just yet. 

“Like hell,” Jace responded fiercely, and he let himself into the training room, walking over to Alec until he was directly in front of him. He peered down at the older boy, his gaze concerned and inquiring. “What’s wrong, Alec?”

Alec ached to open his mouth and let all of his woes spill out, but he knew he couldn’t. Jace didn’t deserve to listen to all of those dark thoughts that he kept locked up inside himself, thoughts that only emerged in the form of violence and drunken midnight confessions to his boyfriend - the same boyfriend who was sleeping off his own intoxication back at the loft as they spoke.

So, instead, he said nothing.

Jace let out an exasperated sigh and reached for the seraph blade in Alec’s hands. Alec surrendered it reluctantly, watching as Jace hung it back on the wall in its place. Then, Jace took a seat next to Alec on the bench and gripped his parabatai’s shoulder. 

“Alec, come on, man. I’m your parabatai. Whatever it is, you can tell me.”

Alec let a breath of air puff past his lips and fought against the urge tell Jace exactly how he was feeling. He clenched his bloody hands together in his lap, an action that did not go unnoticed by his male counterpart. 

Jace inhaled sharply at the sight of Alec’s hands, which were even worse up close. He moved the hand that was on his shoulder to rest on one of Alec’s bruised wrists. He rubbed that hand back and forth lightly in a soothing motion. 

“Please, Alec? I can _feel_ how badly you’re hurting, and it’s hurting me. I just want to he - ”

“I really want to kill myself,” Alec blurted out. He immediately regretted it when he saw the horror slide onto Jace’s face. The hand that was on his wrist stopped its motion, and Jace rocked back on the bench, his mouth forming an involuntary ‘O’ shape. 

“I - I - Alec, I - what the fuck?”

“Sorry,” Alec apologised. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to spring it on you like that.”

“No, seriously, Alec, what the _fuck_?”

“Yeah, I know,” Alec replied tonelessly. “Pretty crazy, huh?”

“No!” Jace exclaimed. “Not crazy, _serious_! I mean, this is really fucking serious! How long have you felt like this?”

“...all my life?”

Jace looked aghast. “You’re kidding.”

“No, I’m not.” Alec sighed. He’d already damned himself. He supposed he might as well give Jace the full story. “I’ve been having suicidal thoughts for a long time, Jace. Even when we were kids. This is just the first time you know about them.”

Jace’s eyes were wide with shock, and he seemed to be at a loss for what to say. 

“You don’t have to tell anyone else,” Alec hastened to assure him. “This isn’t something that happens a lot. J-Just sometimes.”

“Sometimes is still really bad, Alec,” Jace replied. 

“Like you’ve never thought about it before,” Alec scoffed.

Jace shook his head, his eyes huge and his expression solemn. “No. Never. Maybe it’s crossed my mind once or twice, but it was in and out faster than a vampire’s bike. I’ve never, you know, _thought_ about it. Not ever.”

Alec didn’t know what to say to that. He focused his gaze on his lap once more, pinching the skin of his hands together. He slumped in his seat, biting his lip. 

“Y-You know I’d be devastated if you did that, right?” Alec turned to face Jace, whose expression made tears rise to Alec’s eyes. “I mean, devastated doesn’t even begin to cover it. I’d be fucking _wrecked_ , Alec. I don’t know that I would survive losing you.” His voice cracked, and his eyes were glassy with unshed tears. “I love you so much. Please don’t leave me, parabatai.” With that, Jace reached forward and pulled Alec into his arms for what was one of the tightest hugs Alec could ever remember receiving. 

As Jace held him reverently in the brilliant light of the training room, as though he were a fragile piece of china that might break at any second, Alec thought that maybe the cure to the burning desire that lurked beneath his skin and waited in the corners of his mind to reappear when he was most vulnerable was the love of his family. 

Later that night, when Jace had Alec in his bed, dressed in sweats and one of Jace’s old t-shirts, his phone buzzed. It was an apology text from Magnus. An apology text that was a paragraph long. Alec was so caught up in reading it and dealing with the onslaught of emotions that followed that he almost didn’t notice Jace tracing his stele over Alec’s wounds. 

After the text had been replied to and Jace had gotten into bed himself and turned the lamp off with a whispered, “Goodnight,” to Alec, Alec wondered if perhaps he _didn’t_ deserve all of the misery that he had always forced onto himself. 

~ **+1** ~

Alec twisted his head around to try and see what the ex-Circle members who had captured him were doing. He heard crashes and various sounds of things moving around, but he couldn’t see; it was too dark.

Beside him, Maia growled, her eyes glowing green in the darkness. Alec swore under his breath and wondered again how exactly they’d gotten into this situation.

It was a normal afternoon, for the most part; he had breakfast with Magnus in the morning and went out on a hunt with Jace and Izzy afterwards. Following that, he had returned to his office to begin muddling his way through his ever-growing stack of paperwork. 

It was then that Maia had burst in unannounced, exclaiming that tensions between the vampires and werewolves had reached a tipping point, and she needed a mediator. Alec, only too happy to abandon his paperwork, readily agreed. When they returned to the Jade Wolf, however, they were immediately captured by four Shadowhunters with faded Circle runes, who dosed Maia with some sort of silver poisoning and knocked Alec out with a sedative gas. 

When he came to, they were both tied to chairs in a nondescript warehouse that Alec was sure he’d never seen before. Boxes were piled around them and rats scurried back and forth between their feet. Dust lined every surface in sight, and old cans of paint gave the entire building a sickly odor. 

The ex-Circle members from before emerged from another room. One was carrying a revolver filled with what were, Alec was sure, silver bullets. Another held a fiery branding tool that looked like it’d been raked over hot coals recently. Alec tried not to shudder. The third ex-Circle member was carrying a seraph blade, which he waved mockingly at Alec. Alec’s hands clenched into fists. Valentine’s still-loyal (even in his death) followers didn’t deserve to wield a seraph blade like a real Shadowhunter.

The fourth and final ex-Circle member strode forward carrying a heavy silver sword, which he leveled at Alec’s neck in a way that made it impossible to look sideways, nod, or move his head in any manner. 

“Do you know why you’re here?” the ex-Circle member asked. 

“No, so why don’t you enlighten us?” Alec grumbled. The ex-Circle member smirked.

“I thought not.” He sneered. “You’re a traitor to the Clave, engaging in Downworld affairs. Making _friends_ with these people!” He spat. “ _Married_ to one of Lilith’s children.”

“Thank you, Captain Obvious,” Alec mumbled, unable to help himself. 

The ‘leader’ of the group of Valentine’s loyalists glared at him, and Alec glared back, his gaze hard and unflinching. 

“What does Maia have to do with this?” he asked. “She isn’t a Shadowhunter.” He knew the answer already, but he was trying to stall for time. If he could distract them long enough, Magnus would realise something was wrong when he didn’t show up for dinner and track him. 

“She’s even worse,” another of the ex-Circle members spat. “She’s a werewolf. Disgusting creature.” He pressed the branding tool into her skin, and Maia howled in pain. Alec’s blood boiled and he fought against his bindings with all of his might.

The group member holding the seraph blade stepped forward at a gesture from the leader and pressed the tip of it to Alec’s skin. “We tricked you into believing that this werewolf here needed your help. Vampire glamours are surprisingly easy. We knew you’d come running to help the filthy creature. It was a perfect trap,” he gloated. 

Alec sucked in a sharp breath as the ex-Circle member pressed the seraph blade into his skin, slicing his shirt open in one clean motion. 

“Are you going to kill us or not?” he asked them, “because this is getting pretty boring.”

“Oh, we’re not anywhere close to finished yet,” the second member of the group said, earning him a sharp, reprimanding look from the leader. 

“Yes, we are,” the leader said. “We don’t waste too much time with these things.” With that, he pressed the sword into Alec’s neck even deeper. “Any last words?”

A million thoughts raced through Alec’s mind. Izzy, Jace, Simon, Clary. Magnus...By the Angel, Magnus. His husband was waiting for him at home, probably making dinner. Alec had been pleasantly surprised after they were married to find out that Magnus preferred cooking in the traditional way to using magic. 

Alec felt fondness creep into his heart. Magnus liked to hum when he cooked. Alec wondered what he was humming now. 

Emotions rushed through Alec’s veins like the tide of the ocean crashing over rocks on a bank. Fear, love, ferocity, adoration, determination, _fear_ \- He was hit with a sudden, startling realisation: he wanted to _live_. 

Alec Lightwood-Bane was many things. A brother, a parabatai, a leader, a husband. But suicidal was not one of them. Not anymore. 

A plan of action formed in his mind and he chanced a quick glance to his left to see that Maia was eyeing him in the same manner. He nodded minisculely at her, and she nodded back. With that, Alec faced the ex-Circle member once again and gave him a choice finger. The ex-Circle member pressed the sword into his throat with enough force to make Alec scream, if the sword was anywhere other than right on his vocal chords. He shifted his gaze over to the werewolf beside him, and she winked.

Maia leapt into action, shifting into her wolf form with what little energy the silver poisoning hadn’t stolen from her. The member of the group holding the sword whirled around at the commotion and Alec seized his opportunity. 

He shoved himself backwards with everything he had, knocking the sword from the leader’s hands with his bound ankles as he went. He crashed into the floor, his head slamming against the concrete, sending waves of pain shooting through his entire body. 

Alec grabbed frantically for his phone, which had slid out of his pocket when he tipped backwards, and pressed #1 on his speed dial. Magnus picked up almost immediately, greeting him with a cheerful, “Nice to hear from you, Alexander. To what do I owe this pleasure?”

“Corner of 36th and Main,” he wheezed. He heard a whimper to his left, and he knew the window of time Maia had created for him was about to close. “Warehouse. Hurry.” Alec heard the click of the call being disconnected, and he peered up through bleary eyes at the ex-Circle member who had held a sword to his throat before. His hands were stained with blood and Alec felt a jolt of panic shoot through him. He could no longer hear Maia.

The distinctive whoosh of a portal rushed through the warehouse, along with choked sounds of surprise from the ex-Circle members. Alec’s breath caught in his throat at the telltale tingle of Magnus’s magic. His husband was here. He’d gotten the message.

Alec felt his bonds snap free, and he righted himself just in time to see Magnus wrapping a magical rope around two of the loyalists’ necks, choking them. Alec sent a roundhouse kick to the leader in front of him, who was still holding the sword. He went down with a choked wheeze and an attempt to pull Alec with him. 

“Do you surrender yourself to the authority of the Clave?” Alec shouted. 

“Never!” the leader called back. He struggled underneath Alec, trying to get a hit in anywhere he could. Alec pried the sword from his grasp and ran it through his abdomen.

Magnus shouted, “Alexander!” and Alec threw him the sword without looking. He knew Magnus well enough to know what he needed, what that tone of voice meant. Alec’s gaze was on Maia’s crumpled form. He raced to her side as Magnus killed one of the ex-Circle members in his hold, cuffing and knocking out the one that had decided to surrender for Alec to deal with later. The final ex-Circle member laid next to Maia, his throat ripped out. 

Magnus crouched next to Alec and began to work, healing what he could of Maia’s wounds. Alec watched in a daze as the burn from the branding tool disappeared and the long cuts across her face and arms from the battle closed up under Magnus’s ministrations. 

“She’ll have to go to the Praetor for the silver poisoning,” he said when he had finished. “I know someone there. I’ll have her treatment expedited.” With a wave of his hand, Magnus conjured a portal and took Alec’s hand in his own. “Come on.” He lifted Maia with his magic and they disappeared into the portal to deliver her to the Praetor Lupus. 

When they returned, Alec transported the remaining ex-Circle member back to the Institute, where he was thrown into a holding cell. Jace and Izzy appeared as Alec was making his way to his office. 

“Are you alright?” Izzy cried, wrapping him in a tight hug. “Magnus called and told us what happened. By the Angel, Alec.”

“I’m fine, Iz,” Alec said, smiling at her. “Promise.”

Jace pressed his forehead to Alec’s, something the very first parabatai had done to comfort each other centuries ago, when Izzy retreated. “Glad you’re okay, parabatai.”

Alec said nothing, but he squeezed the back of Jace’s head in reassurance. _I’m here. I’m okay._

Later that night, after Magnus had tended to Alec’s injuries and fussed over him until Alec demanded he stop, Magnus and Alec sat together on the couch in a comfortable silence. Alec curled into Magnus’s side and buried his face in the warlock’s shoulder. Magnus’s deep, throaty chuckle reverberated down Alec’s spine, and he sighed in contentment.

This was how it was supposed to be. 

“Magnus?” he said, peering up at his husband, whose glamour was down. Alec felt a rush of affection for the man in front of him, the man that kept his gleaming yellow cat eyes so hidden from everyone else. Magnus hummed in response, threading his fingers through Alec’s hair. 

“I want to live,” Alec said suddenly, and with so much force behind it that he surprised himself. 

Magnus, however, didn’t seem surprised at all. He fixed Alec with a blinding smile and kissed his lips tenderly. 

“And so you will.”

Somehow, though it was the simplest response Magnus could have offered him, it was exactly what Alec needed to hear.

**Author's Note:**

> [Stalk me on Tumblr](http://moonlight-breeze-44.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Prompts are open!
> 
> Want to embrace your inner chaotic fandom participant? Require somewhere to scream about Shadowhunters and other fandoms? Need writing advice, encouragement, or new friends? [Join our Discord server](https://discord.gg/82pvdE39fD) and find your place in a community of fandom-ers livin' it up! We welcome everyone, and we would love to have you. <3
> 
> With that, I'll see you soon :) 
> 
> ~ Em


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